My Writings

Dear Terrible Advice Lady:

there is this guy, and i have known him for about 5 months now. he is kinda cute even though he is white. he is my cousins good friend/neighbor and im always over at my cousins! once i was trying to get something from him and we were in my cousins bathroom and he like picked me up and threw me over his shoulder and then like i was facing him, while he was still holding me and then he set me down but wouldnt let me go and i was standing behind him on the wall and he started like grinding his butt into me. do you think he was flirting with me?

Signed,
Ground Coffee


Dear Ground Coffee,

In the human world, like in the animal world, when someone grinds their butt up against something that means that they have an itchy anus, usually because of an infestation of intestinal worms. Like the saying goes, if you go to sleep with an itchy arse you will wake up with smelly fingers. Follow your heart on this matter.

- The Terrible Advice Lady

Dear Terrible Advice Lady:

Ok, whenever me and my boyfriend try to have sex.. I panic. I have panic attacks, where I just suddenly get scared and just want to cry. And that's how it ALWAYS ends up when we're trying to have sex. I'm ok while we're cuddling, but then more physical stuff comes, and I'll be ok for a few minutes, but then I get scared, like somethings wrong, and I get nervous, and I end up crying. My boyfriend has no problem with this, I mean he worries about me, but he doesn't mind stopping, or have no sex at all.. I just don't understand that if I want to have sex and I'm into it, I'm in the mood and everything.. that I get nervous and panic, and end up crying?? I really don't know what to do.

Signed,
Scared Sexless


Dear Scared Sexless,

Try putting a bag over your boyfriend's head.

- The Terrible Advice Lady

Dear Terrible Advice Lady:

For some reason i somehow managed to pull a muscle or hurt something at least in my leg last night while sleeping and it hurts! Ive done it before, just not recently and im not sure how i do it. Right now my calf area still hurts even though i tried stretching it. Is there any way i can keep myself from pulling a muscle while sleeping? Is this even considered pulling a muscle or something else?

Signed,
Lame Duck


Dear Lame Duck:

There are only two possible causes for the symptoms that you are describing to me:

The first is known as Hypochondria and means that you are only really sick in your head. It is caused by having your brand new puppy taken away from you on Christmas morning because your mommy had forbidden your daddy to buy it for you and he did it anyway because he doesn't care about her opinion and she is just a maid and a sex object to him and she wants to get a job, the kids are old enough now, why won't he let her, they barely get by on his paycheck as it is, don't you dare raise your voice at me, I don't have to take this, why didn't I marry your brother Walter when I had the chance, etc etc. The only cure for Hypochondria is to get a real disease like cancer. Only then will you be happy and your leg stop hurting.

The second is called Nocturnal Murder Syndrome. Apart from your sore calf muscle you may notice other symptoms such as an axe that you don't own laying on your bedroom floor in the morning and other people's blood splattered on your jammies. Eventually the police will track you down and you will get the electric chair. Until then, be sure to stretch properly before going to bed.

- The Terrible Advice Lady

Journal Entry: Wed Oct 18, 2006, 9:22 PM Dear Terrible Advice Lady:

My online lover wants to marry me... the only problem is that he doesn't know I'm married with 7 children! I love him so much and can't bear the thought of losing him when he learns the truth. I know that I never should have gotten myself into this mess in the first place but now that I have reached a dead end how can I make everything better?

Signed,
Desperate


Dear Desperate:

I hate to break this too you but the only problem IS NOT that you are married and have 7 children. That is just the biggest problem. Never having met this person and him wanting to marry you is nothing to sneeze at either. You can safely assume that this fellow is living in a sub-basement apartment, eating day old cold beans out of the can with a butter knife, and works at a confetti factory as the nighttime chute sweeper. Your husband finding out, tying the two you up, and leaving you somewhere in Saskatchewan (no lives in Saskatchewan) should also be a concern.

Ugh. I am choking on my own disgust. I am going to end it here before I vomit on my shoes. Do us all a favor and cease breeding immediately as you have nothing to offer the gene pool. Science will be more than willing to take your 7 vermin off your hands.

Dear Terrible Advice Lady:

I found a bisexual video hidden in my boyfriend’s apartment showing two men and a girl together... is my boyfriend gay?

Signed,
Worried


Dear Worried:

You should be relieved that you found the video because it proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that he is a man from the top of his empty head down to the bottom of his hairy feet. Have you been living in a convent? Men will watch any type of porn, gay, bisexual, or bestial, as long as there is a naked chick in it somewhere. The entire roster of the Vancouver Canucks could be oiling each other in a gigantic gay orgy out on the ice, and if there was a topless woman sitting in the topmost row at the farthest end of the rink doing her taxes, guys the world over would be glued to the tv drooling over her.

So what if your boy friend's video has two men and a woman in it? Even if the fellas take a break in the gang bang action for some of "the other white meat" all your honey cares it that the woman is spraying them with whipped cream while jumping up and down. You need to develop a better understanding of men. I suggest watching some documentaries on primate mating rituals i.e. they have none.

- Terrible Advice Lady